I tend to be a very task oriented person. Maybe it is one of the curses of being an engineer. We focus on results. How you get those results is important but not nearly as important as what the result is. If the plane is flying (not falling out of the sky) who really cares how you got it in the air?? I exaggerate, but you get my point. Being immersed in this life style and already being a task driven individual often causes me to look at life through this lens. Lord, Thank you for said blessings. Please do such-and-such and please help so-and so with this-or-that if it be your will. Amen. This is basically how I have approached my prayer life until now.
The only instruction I ever received regarding prayer was in my childhood. As children most of us are taught intercessory prayer and prayer of thanksgiving. You thank God for the beautiful day, your many blessings, and then ask him for things you think you need or want. Amen. That is how you pray. Or so I thought.
Recently, I have been challenged by my spiritual director to change the way I pray. In order to do this, my spiritual director is challenging me to use Lectio Divina as my primary form of prayer from now on. I am meditating of the Word of God and learning to listen to the Lord's whispers through this. I am to no longer focus on tasks or outcomes I desire but on the person of Jesus Christ. This sounds like one of those "Umm, duh! That's simple." things but it is harder than I thought. The difficulties are three-fold.
1) When you grow up doing something a certain way for your entire life, it is extremely hard to break the habit. I have prayed the same way for 22 years. Now I must change. It is for the better but that does not make it any less unnatural and foreign to me. It is a struggle to keep my mind from reverting back to the "old way of doing things". There is nothing wrong with the way I used to pray but there is more to be gained by changing.
2) Prayer is my rock through the twists and turns of life. If ever I am frustrated or upset, I run to Christ. In the past, I have taken comfort in spilling all my problems to the Lord and telling him how I think he should handle them. Now, I am learning to take my troubles to him and then wait to see what he has to say about them. Though I know this is a MUCH better way to handle things, my "comfort blanket" per say is momentarily gone. I am in a transition period where I am basically learning to trust. And trust is no easy lesson.
3)Taking the focus off yourself and onto someone else is an inherently unnatural act. Human beings are self-centered by nature. That is why it is so hard to love. We look out for ourselves - numero uno - before we worry about others. But Christ calls us to radically flip that and do what is best for others no matter the cost to ourselves. In my prayer, I am learning to take the focus off of myself and turn it to Christ. I am in a sense learning how to love. I am learning how to love Love Himself and in turn how to love others with His love. That's a lot of love!! And as Christ showed us on the cross, love doesn't come easy.
I know this is long already but I would not be doing justice to the subject if I did not share with you how beautiful this new journey is despite the hardships. I selected the Gospel of John to begin my Lectio with and over the past week of prayer I have only made it through half of the first chapter. I had no idea the Word of God could have so much impact and meaning behind EVERY SINGLE WORD. I am reading and meditating on verses I have heard many times but somehow completely missed the meaning of before now. And no matter what I am meditating over on a given day, I am always receiving exactly what I need to hear. The Lord's Word is magnificent and I learning so much already. I did not know what I was missing before but now that I have tasted the grace the Lord bestows on you when you are open to it, I hope to never go without it. I am falling deeper in love with the Lord through his Word. YAY! :)
